Whenever I sit down to write a blog entry I end up staring at the "Post title" for at least 5 minutes. Usually I end up starting the post and at some point just fill in the blank with a title. I sometimes feel that it should be this insightful title that will inspire one and all to read... then send them on their way inspired and ready to face the world. Or maybe at least one person :-)
Dad has had ups and downs over the past few months. I don't hear a lot on my end and I'm sure there are a lot of moments I'm not aware of but there have been some texts and facebook posts that are upsetting. I've noticed his memory getting worse, losing train of thought mid sentence or just not remembering what something is called. He can get very confused and at one point didn't remember my mom had gone to Radium. I talked to him on the phone, helped him remember where she was and told him I thought he should stay in the house and not go out. 2 days later I got a text from him telling me mom was home and she had been in Radium. We have had some good visits though and in June we were all able to get together for a supper to celebrate my mom's 65th birthday... and Dad's too as he and mom share the same birthday - he turned 64.
As I re-read that last paragraph I feel the need to address something I said. When I say I don't hear a lot of my end I don't intend it to sound mean. To be be honest I'm not quite sure how it makes me feel that I don't hear a lot on my end. I can't say that it makes me sad or angry or feel left out. There is a selfish part of me that is just fine being 6 1/2 hours away and living my life. It's easy to go about my life not hearing the struggles or bad moments and not having to deal with any of it. And maybe I'm being too hard on myself, maybe it's not selfish and is a normal reaction but I'm just willing to admit out loud that I sometimes feel relieved that I don't have to deal with all the bad crap. I guess what makes it hard though is because I don't know how things are going, how Dad is or has been doing is that it is very easy for me to sit here 6 1/2 hours away and judge my Mom. I hear that she has gone to visit her friends and get angry because I don't think Dad should be left alone... and I did talk to her about this - those of you who know me know that I'm fairly open about how I feel. She said that she doesn't want to stress me out, that she saw how hard it was the 2 summers ago when Dad was in the hospital and everything was so bad and she doesn't want me to have to deal with that again. I can appreciate that but it still makes it hard - though not harder than having to live with Lewy Body on a daily basis.
What to pray for: My mom in her role as a caregiver.
