The last month has been pretty good. Dad texted and said this is the best he's been in three years and he hopes it lasts a long time. He's been very lucid, conversations have been great and he really does seem happier. I really, really hope that he is truly happier and not just "putting on his happy face" like he said he was going to do. He has started patrolling with the Community Watch Citizens on Patrol and I know this is something that he would like. When he texted me to tell me that he's been feeling great I didn't say what I wanted to say... that the reason he is doing so well is because he's in a controlled environment, his meds are controlled, there is routine and he's not just sitting at home in the basement all day . He's so close to downtown that he can walk to pretty much anything and he's by the river too so there are lots of walking trails. My mom went away on a trip and we talked yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and she told me that dad is doing really good. The best she's seen him in two years - and I knew she was doubting him having to be in the care home. The stuff I didn't say to my dad I did say to my mom. Deep down I know she knows he needs to stay in the care home but I think she second guesses herself when he's doing so good.
In August when dad was in the hospital for the second time I had a hard time understanding why my brother would think maybe dad didn't have to go in a home but when I flew down there for the family meeting at the hospital it was the first time I had seen my dad since he ended up in the hospital... and I understood why you could second guess the care home route. He looked ok and even though he was a bit confused and his thoughts were jumbled he conveyed himself quite clearly. Man oh man it was hard to see him at the hospital. As a family we had all agreed that he needed to be in a care home but getting dad on board was another story. Thankfully the doctor that had been overseeing him while he was in the hospital agreed with us and that really helped because dad quite liked him and seemed to relate with him well.
I absolutely understand why mom would be questioning dad at the care home. I know she feels bad too and when he's doing good she thinks maybe he should be at home. I imagine it is even harder when you are there and actually see dad. I told my mom that he needs to stay in the care home. We don't know how long he will be like this... it could be month, it could be days. He has a room in the only care home in the city and I don't know what we would do if we gave that up and a few months later he took a turn for the worse. Do we want to go through everything we went through over the summer only to have a different ending and him being in a care home an hour away instead of 10 minutes? We know the worse is coming but not knowing is hard. Do we go there for Christmas because it might be the last one where dad remembers who we are? How can I be mad at him and not talking to him when I know he's dying? There are a lot of "what-ifs" and I'm sure one could drive themselves mad playing that game. What if we go there for Christmas and it ends up like Thanksgiving? I don't want to put my kids through that again. I don't want to see that again.
So things are good. And praise God that they are good for dad right now. It feels so good to talk to him and hear my dad like he used to be and he's actually excited about life again. I so wish my kids were able to spend more time with him when he's like this. And there's the hard. Hard for me here because I don't get to see dad when he's good. Hard for my family there because they see dad when he's good and perhaps that makes it harder to see him in the care home. But we will definitely take the good because the more good memories we can make push those bad ones further away. I need to remind myself to thank God when things are going good, not just ask for his help when they aren't. So thank you Lord for giving me and my family these good conversations and times with my Dad.
