Wedges

I feel like dad's illness is driving a wedge between mine and my mom's relationship. It makes me sad because for some reason she just can't open up (and I think, in re-reading that sentence I just had a realization about why I need to process in my head before I blog it). Two years ago when Dad went through a big decline and was in the hospital it was very stressful - and being far away almost made it worse I couldn't do anything other than make phone calls. Mom has admitted that she doesn't share a lot because she saw how stressful was for me and doesn't want to burden me. I have told her that it is worse for me not know how dad doing because makes me feel like I'm left in the dark. Dad is not doing well right now from what I can gather. His texts are scattered and mixed up - he sounds like Yoda, which I mean in an endearing way because you really do have to find humour or else you will go mad.  We talked the other day and he wanted to make sure how much loves me an the kids - and to make sure that I tell them that cause if things keep going the way they are he doesn't know where he'll be.  I cried when we got off the phone but reigned it in because if I think too hard about it, about the fact that dad is dying, that he is still aware of what is happening to him and what will happen to his mind and body... if I think too hard about that I think my chest is going to explode and I won't be able to stop.